there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
