i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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