Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
