you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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