Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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