"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
