Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
