What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
