my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
