My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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