That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
