Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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