A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
is it fun? or sober?
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