the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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