The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
