Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
