Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
