quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
