We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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