Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Also, beer. Big fan.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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