when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
