hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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