Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize