What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
