y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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