The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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