i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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