I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
