new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
