Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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