U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
