you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
