he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
