she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
