She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
