tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
