It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
