note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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