I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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