I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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