Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
