I love black thongs
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
