come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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