how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
