that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
