my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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