I think I died a long time ago.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
