I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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