I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he puts the penis in happiness.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
