My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
