I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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