i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
