You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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