every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
