I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
