He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My boob is missing a layer of skin
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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