I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
