I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
