first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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